


I'm not your kind, I'm not your girl

by thewriteday



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Charity being Charity, F/F, Mutual Pining, angst angst and more angst, picking right up after events that haven't even happened yet and won't happen like this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 04:58:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13451040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriteday/pseuds/thewriteday
Summary: When Rhona approaches Charity in the bar, the day after the auction, Charity can tell it's bad news.Or, apparently I woke up this morning and wanted to hurt.





	I'm not your kind, I'm not your girl

When Rhona approaches Charity in the bar, the day after the auction, Charity can tell it's bad news. She can practically taste it on the air. But whereas when Paddy approached her about Vanessa there was only desperation and discomfort, Rhona's face reveals nothing but anger. 

"Can I speak with you?" Rhona says. Her tone is sharp, clipped.

"You already are, aren't you?" Charity retorts. 

"Why did you do it? Why would you dangle even the possibility that you care about Vanessa just to leave her in the lurch like that?" 

Charity brings her hands up and checks her bits and bobbles like she's shocked. "Am I dangling?! I had no idea." But when Rhona doesn't crack even the tiniest bit, Charity rolls her eyes. "Oh for Christ’s sake. What is it, Rhona? How have I offended her this time?"

"By making her think you were bidding on her and then just disappearing. You know she didn't want to be bid on by anyone but you and then you just let it happen."

"I don't think I promised anyone I'd be bidding on anyone. Besides which, she knows how strapped for cash we are right now.” Charity shrugs as if it all doesn’t much matter to her. 

Rhona sighs. She hates this - hates that _this_ is the person that's captured Vanessa's heart, who breaks it even as she holds it without so much as a moment's care. Rhona thinks of how Vanessa has poured her heart into everything she does, how she’s looked after Rhona herself like family, like more than family. How she’s put her whole life on hold just to step in for anyone who needs her.

Rhona re-focuses her glare. "I just want her to be unrelentingly happy. She deserves to. And _sometimes_ that's how you make her feel. But three little words come with that every time: At what cost." 

Charity's face darkens. Her eyebrows lower and her jaw clenches. 

Rhona smiles tightly. "It just breaks my heart that she has to keep paying for it over and over again." 

"Well she paid for it more than once with you, I hear! Maybe if you hadn't confused her, punished her for feeling something more, she wouldn’t be so lost now."

"Enough." Rhona just shakes her head. She's heard it all before, from every gossipy corner of the village and she knows it’s just Charity’s way. "Please, Charity. Just stop toying with her." 

Charity breaks her gaze and looks down at the bar, not a little embarrassed by casting her little stone at Rhona. Occasionally her brain retorted to her, " _What was the point of that?"_ And she would feel something like a niggling shame come over her. It rarely lasted long, though. 

When she looks up from the bar, Rhona's gone. The door is falling closed. 

* * *

 

Vanessa is leaning her face on her hands, her elbows perched on the table at the Woolpack, as she does her best to listen to Daz. He's a sweet guy, he really is. And she knows he only chimed in at the auction because of the absolute crickets when the opportunity to bid on her came up. Everyone in the room seemed to exchange a glance, looking to every likely or unlikely suitor in the place. But Vanessa's eyes had only been on Charity. Charity, who'd said "Well aren’t you looking adorable, babe," as soon as she'd entered the pub that day. Charity, whose eyes had raked over her, shining with knowledge and want. Charity who, once Vanessa's number came around, took one, blanched look at her and then about-faced into the back of the pub, out of sight. 

But frankly, never far enough out of mind. 

"Are you all right?" Daz asks, and Vanessa just flashes him a weak smile. "Course I am. You were telling me about that show you're watching. Blackadder?" 

"Black _Books_ , actually... but I was asking you what you wanted to eat." He sighs. "You know you don't have to stay, I didn't mean to make you do anything you didn't want - I just wanted to-" 

Vanessa puts her hand on Daz's on top of the table and pats it. "I know, Daz. You're a sweetheart, you are. I really appreciate it, honestly. I just..."

"You expected someone else to buy your wares." All at once, Charity's voice fills Vanessa's entire body with warmth. She hadn't even seen her approach, but now that she's made herself known, she's all Vanessa can look at. Her shoulders - which were tight and tense just moments before - fall, in a mixture of relief and misery. She often wonders how a person can have such wildly conflicting effects on her. But she's stopped trying to apply any sense or logic to what she has with Charity. If she has anything at all. 

Charity produces a wad of cash from her pocket and proffers it to Daz. "Don't ask how I got it back, but just imagine the lengths at which I had to go to do so. Then take it. And be on your way. Kindly." 

Daz looks at the money, then at Charity. He shakes his head. "I don't want my money back. I'm spending time with Vanessa and that money is for Rhona’s fundraiser."

Charity smiles tightly. "And I say thanks for keeping her warm for me, but I need to talk to her. So take the money or don't, but," she makes a get out gesture over her shoulder and Daz looks back to Vanessa.

"Maybe we should just leave," he starts to say. But Vanessa is already shaking her head, with her eyes still locked on Charity. "No, it's okay, Daz. If she's not going to take the hint and go away," as she pauses, Charity adds, “I mean, it is my pub...”

"Then I'll hear her out." Vanessa finishes. She turns her attention briefly back to Daz. 

"I'll catch you for a drink later, all right?” Daz just nods at her, completely confused by the energy that whips between the two women, realizing that he'd better get out of its way as fast as possible. 

Charity watches him go, shrugs, and tucks the money back into her pocket. Vanessa watches her fingers distractedly, wondering if that money will make it back into Rhona’s hands or not. Even with Charity’s history, Vanessa likes to think it will.

Vanessa leans back from the table as Charity sits down. She watches the woman carefully, as if trying to assess a predator. Charity looks at her clear-eyed and wearing the tiniest smirk. Vanessa tries to shake off the daze it puts her head in. 

"What do you want, Charity?" 

"Rhona was by earlier..."

Vanessa throws her head back. "God, why can't she stop sticking her nose in?"

Charity puts her hand up. "It's all right, she's just worried about you. And though I will never understand that relationship, or why _I'm_ even in the picture when you two are so _obviously_ an item-" she throws another hand up before Vanessa can protest, "I'm joking. Anyway, I don't blame her for being concerned."

"Because you're messing with me." 

Charity looks shocked. "No! I mean, I’m not meaning to mess - I mean not anymore than I do with anyone else. Well, that's not exactly- the point is-” Charity holds up two fingers, trying to keep herself on track. “There are two points."

Vanessa's shoulders, which had once again reached increasing heights somewhere up around her ears, fell back down again. "Fine. What's one." It's practically a harrumph, it's so resigned, but Charity decides to take it. 

“So, one," Charity takes a second and puts her fingers up in quotation marks. "'It’s not like we’re a couple,' right?”

Vanessa looks down at the table. “Don’t use my words against me.”

“I’m not, I just wanted to clarify: that wasn’t really what you meant when you said that.”

Vanessa shakes her head. Still looking down.

“Right, so you were just putting that out there, hoping I’d refute you, or something of that nature.” 

Vanessa looks a little like she's going to break into pieces. As if one more moment of this torture will just spilt her right apart. “I feel like such an idiot already, Charity, no need to pour salt in the wound.”

Charity leans in and puts her hands flat on the table, as if she's steadying herself. “Babe, if I’d have known you were just angling, I wouldn’t have - well who knows what I would’ve done. I guess I just figured you were like everyone else that knows better than to get involved with me." Vanessa looks up a little at that - just barely - and Charity holds her gaze firm, not letting her look away again. 

"I like you, Ness. I’m not pretending.”

“So what’s two? You said that's one, so what's two?”

Charity draws a big breath in. What she wants more than anything is to take Vanessa in both arms, hold her tightly, maybe have a bit of a snog in back, but all of those things are very much counterproductive to what she has to say. 

“Two is... well, my life is a bit complicated now, yeah? I mean, chaotic. Dangerous, even. And everyone around me is stuck in it. My family, my  _kids_ , everyone I care about is in harm’s way and I couldn’t in good conscience put you in that kind of danger. You’re too good. Everyone is, if I'm honest. But with you, I have a chance to protect you before you get hurt.”

Vanessa doesn’t know what to say to that. She knows Charity is right - she shouldn’t be putting herself in danger, or Johnny, god forbid, for the outside chance at what? At a fling that she got too attached to? 

But it’s more than that. She knows it’s more than that because of the way her whole being lifts every time this horrible, wonderful woman enters her eyeline. Every single time she's around, she feels lighter. Like she could just up and float away if Charity asked her to. 

But then, that in and of itself is dangerous. That feeling of wanton helplessness, of feeling like she would do just about anything for the promise of more. It's crazy to feel like that so quickly. Scary, too. 

She thinks about how she feels about Johnny, when she was worried about him being taken away or disappearing or getting hurt or any number of other things. That kind of love, that big love, could be scary too. And even if her feelings for Charity aren't quite _that_ big yet - it can't be without the full reciprocity of a real relationship - she knows it could be. 

"I know that's a lot." Charity adds, after a long silence from across the table. She picks up a coaster on the table and fiddles with it. Vanessa's lips flicker with a smile, recognizing the nervous habit instantly and warming to it, even as her hands feel cold. 

"It is. But I think I understand. It's just..." Vanessa hesitates. There are so many things she wants to say, wild things that just won't fit her tongue. "It's too bad, you know?"

Charity smiles. "Too bad for me, maybe. You're only missing out on a whole whack of heartache."

Vanessa smiles back, soft and small. "I don't think that's missed me, actually." And Charity's smile fades again. "I should go," Vanessa adds as she picks up her coat and purse, shrugging them on awkwardly. 

Charity nods slowly, feeling like something is slipping, like she's losing grip on a life preserver. 

Vanessa does something strange then. She is standing, coat on, purse over her shoulder, every bit of her prepared to leave, in theory. But she reaches down her hand, open, towards Charity's. Charity, confused, looks at the hand, then up at it's owner with questioning eyes. 

Vanessa's face is clear and Charity reads it easily. She slips her hand into Vanessa's and Vanessa takes it, like a precious thing. She strokes her thumb against the back of Charity's hand. 

"You call me if you need anything, yeah?" Vanessa says. There is such a deep and honest gravity in her voice that Charity, despite all her haltings and hang-ups, believes she might just take her up on that someday. 

Charity looks her in the eye and nods and Vanessa draws breath and lets go of Charity's hand. Charity reaches into her pocket and pulls out the cash, handing it to Vanessa.

“Make sure this gets to Rhona.” She says. Vanessa nods and walks from the table.

"Ness?" Vanessa turns back to look at her, her heart throbbing painfully in her chest. She raises her eyebrows and looks at Charity with hurt and hope, all twisted into one. "We would've been brilliant." Charity says quietly, and Vanessa can feel herself memorizing the pain and delight on her almost-not-quite-girlfriend's face with agonizing detail.

Vanessa just smiles at Charity. It's all the confirmation she can manage before she turns and heads out of the pub, the tears already stinging in her eyes. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Author's note: The title is from a song by Goldfrapp called "Cologne Cerrone Houdini" which I saw described as: "the sweetness of stolen moments with someone you ultimately know you can’t have." 
> 
> Wrote this one rather quickly, so apologies in advance for errors and wrong tenses. And also for watching the show so peripherally that my information is, in all likelihood, WILDLY inaccurate.


End file.
